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by Marjon Meyer\u00a0<\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n
People who are good at relationships are already happy with their lives and don\u2019t expect others to make them happy. People who are good at relationships are living happy, fulfilled lives before they even enter into a relationship. They bring their happiness into the relationship, instead of extracting happiness\u00a0from<\/em>\u00a0the relationship.<\/strong><\/h3>\n
A relationship can\u2019t ever make you happy. It can\u00a0enhance<\/em>\u00a0your feelings of happiness, but it can\u2019t\u00a0be<\/em>\u00a0your happiness.\u00a0As humans we have an enormous capacity to love and care, yet so often we hurt those closest to us.\u00a0 At work and at home.<\/p>\n
The\u00a0respect<\/strong>\u00a0we treat people with, is crucial.\u00a0 Our true character is revealed by how you treat the vulnerable in society \u2013 children, elderly people, the poor, people in junior positions etc., especially when nobody is watching.<\/p>\n
Life lessons learnt from studying marriages \u2013 masters and disasters<\/strong><\/p>\n
Social scientists of the Gottmann Institute studied marriages over four decades by observing them in action. When the researchers analysed the data they have gathered, they saw clear differences between the\u00a0masters and disasters<\/strong>.<\/p>\n
Masters<\/strong>\u00a0felt calm and were able connect with each other, which translated into warm and affectionate behaviour, even when they disagreed. \u00a0Masters had\u00a0created a climate of trust<\/em>\u00a0and openness that made both parties emotionally comfortable and thus able to share thoughts, ideas and feelings.<\/p>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a habit of mind that the masters have,\u201d Gottman explained in an interview, \u201cwhich is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building a culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully.\u00a0Disasters<\/strong>\u00a0are scanning the social environment for people\u2019s mistakes.\u201d Disasters criticise people and don\u2019t often validate others as humans \u2013 often due to their own low self-esteem and sense of inferiority.<\/p>\n
Science says lasting relationships come down to 2 basic traits \u2013\u00a0kindness<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>and<\/em><\/strong>\u00a0<\/em>generosity.<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n
Kindness<\/em>\u00a0glue people together \u2013 even strangers in the same democracy! \u00a0Kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in relationships. Kindness makes people feel cared for, understood and validated.\u00a0 If we validate people, they almost always respond positively.<\/p>\n
The more we receive or witness kindness, the more we will be kind ourselves, which leads to upward spirals of understanding and\u00a0generosity<\/em>\u00a0in a relationship.\u00a0This is true even in hard-core business relationships.<\/p>\n
\u201cEven in relationships where people are frustrated, it\u2019s almost always the case that there are positive things going on and people trying to do the right thing,\u201d psychologist Tashiro says. \u201cA lot of times, a person is trying to do the right thing even if it\u2019s executed poorly. So let\u2019s appreciate the intent.\u201d<\/p>\n
Generosity<\/em>\u00a0is the act of giving.\u00a0 Amy Carmichael said \u201cone can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving\u201d.\u00a0 Giving can be time, attention, sharing your expertise, doing something for someone, listening or doing something with a person who appreciates your presence.\u00a0 How generous are you towards the people around you?<\/p>\n
You can read more about this research at\u00a0https:\/\/www.gottman.com\/blog\/<\/a><\/p>\n
People who are good at relationships respond instead of reacting \u2013\u00a0Complaints vs criticism<\/strong><\/p>\n
While no one is without their faults, criticism is\u00a0toxic<\/strong>\u00a0in all relationships as people build up walls to protect themselves.\u00a0 Even if you believe that you\u2019re offering \u201ctruth\u201d or that you\u2019re trying to correct a behaviour or attitude, it is usually perceived as an attack and results in defensive strategies. Criticism means using disastrous\u00a0red<\/strong>\u00a0language.\u00a0\u00a0When criticism is used as a channel to express\u00a0contempt<\/em>\u00a0or\u00a0disdai<\/em>n for someone else, it can make the other person feel\u00a0devalued<\/em> and worthless. It\u2019s hard for any relationship to come back from that.<\/p>\n
But this does not mean that you shouldn\u2019t address issues in the relationship that bother you. Far from it! Instead, it just means that you need to do it in a way that can be heard\u2014which will facilitate actual action and change. Be masterful and\u00a0kind<\/strong>\u00a0when speaking to a person about a behavioural problem and use friendly,\u00a0green language<\/strong>.\u00a0 Try starting sentences with \u201cI\u201d, not \u201cyou\u201d.<\/p>\n
Criticism is often expressed in a way that suggests a character flaw. It focuses on who<\/em>\u00a0a person is rather than\u00a0what<\/em>\u00a0a person has done. A complaint, however, is different. It focuses on the action\u2014and when it comes to relationships\u2014a carefully worded complaint is okay, and sometimes very necessary in a relationship.\u00a0\u00a0Remember, the problem is the problem \u2013 the person is not the problem.<\/em><\/p>\n
Making kindness and generosity part of everyday interactions<\/strong><\/p>\n
Let\u2019s never forget the power we have to\u00a0influence<\/em>\u00a0people and situations we encounter on a daily basis. True influence is treating people with dignity \u2013 at work, in shopping malls, on social media, at public places and gatherings, at the braai at your home and on our roads. Are you kind and generous? Are you a\u00a0nice\u00a0<\/em>person to be with?<\/p>\n
There are many reasons why relationships fail, but if you look at what drives the deterioration of many relationships, it\u2019s often a breakdown of kindness. As the normal stressors of a life together pile up \u2013 people may put less effort into most relationships and let the petty grievances they hold against one another tear them apart.\u00a0 Let us use the Ubuntu\u00a0spirit of kindness and generosity\u00a0<\/strong>South Africans are so well-known for, to move us, especially in the weeks ahead, to be\u00a0masters of relationships<\/strong>.<\/p>\n
Organisational relationships<\/strong><\/p>\n
Every organisation is looking for the\u00a0holy grail<\/strong>\u00a0of performance enhancement, that one thing that, if it were changed even slightly, would push the performance of a company way beyond the current level.\u00a0\u00a0One area that is perhaps overlooked, is the\u00a0behaviour of their employees<\/strong>. Often the only time behaviour becomes a focus in an organisation is when there is a\u00a0problem employee or difficult customer\u00a0<\/strong>that must be dealt with.<\/p>\n
Organisations have been forced to re-think their relationships with clients in this remote economy.<\/p>\n
Things masters do:<\/strong><\/p>\n
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They listen<\/strong> more than they speak<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They acknowledge<\/strong> what is said \u2013 silence is not golden!<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They use green friendly language<\/strong> when speaking with people, even during conflict<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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Avoid aggressive, angry red language<\/strong> when dealing with difficult situations<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They turn towards<\/strong> a person and lean into<\/strong> the conversation<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They don\u2019t let technology<\/strong> interfere in a conversation<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They ask questions<\/strong> about the other party\u2019s story<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They understand how empathy <\/strong>works<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They don\u2019t criticise nor judge, <\/strong>but listen with an open mind<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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Unsolicited advice<\/strong> is not given<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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Their own story<\/strong> takes the backseat<\/p>\n<\/li>\n
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They make people feel comfortable<\/strong> when they are with them by using positive body language.<\/p>\n<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
People who are good at relationships are able to give freely. They are not doormats or feel abused, they are assertive in their giving and living. They don\u2019t show affection to stake a claim or get something back. They do it because it\u2019s a genuine expression of how they feel.\u00a0They don\u2019t need the other person\u2019s approval in order to feel good<\/em>. Essentially, they can give and receive freely and without agenda.<\/p>\n
You choose \u2013 are you a master or a disaster in relationships?\u00a0 Just be nice.\u00a0 That\u2019s all.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n

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by Marjon Meyer\u00a0 People who are good at relationships are already happy with their lives and don\u2019t expect others to make them happy. People who are good at relationships are living happy, fulfilled lives before they even enter into a relationship. They bring their happiness into the relationship, instead of extracting happiness\u00a0from\u00a0the relationship. A relationship […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4049,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-4048","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-news-feed"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4048","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4048"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4048\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4049"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4048"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4048"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/nileharvest.us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4048"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}